Well, I am down at Wadebridge Bowling Club on Saturday where it happens there is this race night going on, which it says is to raise funds for the club and its charity, but as everyone knows is really to drink and have fun. 
The club does this once or twice before, but with movies of races that citizens bet on. This evening they change it up a little. There are six hobby horses, cunningly crafted by Speakeasy Jones, which parade in at the start of the evening, and with them is nothing other than the Club of the Year trophy, which a bunch of the guys and dolls bring back with them from the Bowls England Awards a week before, and which is strictly legit, at that.
How it works is like this. Gentleman George auctions off the horses, and the winner of each auction gets to ride that horse in the race. Then the citizens all crowd round Lady Aly, Tick-Tack Pete and the Turf Accountant to lay bets.
Speakeasy Jones, Gentleman George and the riders toss around two massive inflatable dice to show which horse moves, and how far. I for one am glad that I do not win an auction as it is dangerous out there on the race course with such items flying around.
The jockey of the first horse to cross the finish line wins 83 cents in the dollar of the auction money, which is a pretty good investment, if you win. The punters who bet on the winning horse get back three quarters of the bets between them.
In the first three races, it just so happens that horse number 4 wins. A number of citizens cry out it is a fix and the dice are loaded, but many do not consider this a wise thing to say in the hearing of Speakeasy Jones, and instead just pile on number 4 in the next race, where it comes last.
Boss Eddie thanks everyone for coming and bringing edibles and helping out. The club takes a tidy sum and the guys and dolls make their way home before officers of the law can put in an appearance.
(With acknowledgement and apologies to Damon Runyon.)
Photos courtesy of Penry Archer
